Cortina Capers. What are yours?

[BusmansHoliday]

So, the MkIIs, TWA335F and CWE167H.
The MkI was traded for TWA, a new Silver Fox four door which my dad had a "coach stripe" in dark blue on it. None of your self adhesive shite, done by a man with a fine paint brush and a steady hand. It was parked outside my (mother's) parents house and was hit by somebody who didn't look (or was pissed) one night and subsequently repaired. I remember my dad taking me down that road a few yards (separate incident) to look at a similar age (ie new) Vauxhall 101 and telling me "never ever buy a Vauxhall, they're crap and rot", pointing out the bubbles on the bonnet front edge of a barely one year old car. My mind was made up.(apart from an Agila I've never owned one) although being given half a crown to crawl under his new car and paint everything I could see with mastic paint helped stop his rotting. We even had an episode where out shopping my dad got something out the glove box and when he shut it there was suddenly smoke pouring out of the glove box. "Get out quick" he said but he managed to see where the smoke was from and dragged the wire away and the smoke stopped. I'm pretty sure that was the one my mum, who was learning to drive backed into the gate post. Dad kept the damaged rear light chrome work on a shelf in the garage for over 15 years. Jinked that car was

TWA was traded for an ex Brook Shaw's demo, a 1600 GT in white. My dad loved that car. We'd only had it a few days and went up to Leeds to see some of their friends. Going up J34 slip onto the M1, my car sick younger sis was trying not to vomit, I was leaning over my dad going "go on dad", and my mother looked at the dash and said "this is a lot more noisy at 50 than the old car". Except it was the rev counter she could see and I could see the speedo getting closer and closer to the magic ton (well about 50 given Ford speedo accuracy). It really was an ace car that.

[Warren t claim]

Directly comparing a MkIV 2.0 with both a RWD Cavalier 1.9 and a 131 1600TC whilst they were all new and on our fleet at work put the Cortina in a very distinct and quite distant third place.....The Fiat and Vauxhall were completely different to each other but drove so much better in their own ways.

[Warren t claim]

I suppose this needs to be posted here.

[Warren t claim]

[Warren t claim]

[BusmansHoliday]

The Mk III and IV. The first was red and I think* NWB997K the other was white on an M plate. Little to report on the Mk III other than I learnt to drive on it.
The Mk IV was the early Pinto that Ford forgot to put a decent oil supply into the top so it wasn't a surprise when the camshaft started to wear just out of warranty. We changed it one Saturday, I remember my dad complaining about having to buy the special splined tool to get the head bolts out. He then started a letter correspondence (no internet back in the 70s) with Ford HQ about the crapness of the design and wanting them to pay for the parts. Eventually he received a cheque from Ford for the cost of the cam. He spent it on a calculator and had a dymo label that said paid for by Ford.
He never bought another Ford after that.

[Scruffy Bodger]

My second mk 5 was bought for 40 quid iirc? I got it from the local garage owned by the notorious honest Harold. It'd had a front end bump and was somehow transported to my mates farm. The wings and bonnet were taken off the blue one previously mentioned as it'd had failed its test on loads of rot. The arse end of the Brazil brown new* car was chained to their little Ford shit scraping tractor while the front was chained to the larger Zetor 4x4 and it was adjusted* The front 6 inches was then cut off both cars and my mate stick welded it back on. We'll, it was after we'd sledge hammered the front back out wider as he'd got a bit aggressive with it and it was now narrower than it was meant to be

So I ended up driving a brown car with a blue front end and vinyl roof. Months later while under the car I discovered why it had the vinyl on it, there was a nice neat weld line right the way across in front of the rear wheels. A bit of peeling later showed a weld line at the bottom of the windscreen pillars!

This 3 in 1 was thrashed to fuck and amazingly never scrubbed its front tyres out like the previous one did!

[59Impala]

Back in 1972 I passed my test and for 90 quid bought a 1962 Anglia Deluxe with what must have been, even for then, a pretty lenient MoT. Naturally being 17yo and thus invincible the poor Anglia got thrashed but still came back for more. I started proper work that summer and one day upon my return home Mother Impala told me that they had bought me a car which was odd as I owned one. What car was it? A Purbeck Grey (fawn) Mk2 Cortina 1300 Deluxe 4-door. That's very nice said I upon which she added 'but you're paying for it'. Oh. Apparently they were worried that that I was going to kill myself in the rusty but trusty Anglia so had got a loan for me for the Cortina which from memory was £475. What they hadn't realised was I now had more power! Well not a load more but you know what I mean. Thus SLD978F came into my possession. It also got driven pretty hard apart from when the brake master cylinder failed although I managed to limp it home with no brakes. Back then you could also do evening track sessions at Brands Hatch for 50p for 30 minutes. So off I went and was pretty much the slowest car out there although I did overtake a lady in an Elan. I did a couple of sessions but on about the third disaster struck. I used to drive safely keeping out of the way of everyone but as I came down the hill from the Druids Bend I kept over to the right as usual as somebody was behind me, waved them past and wham I got hit amidships by a twat in a Morgan who had decided to overtake both of us, got on the grass, lost it and t-boned me. Cunt. I got out as did he but he wisely kept his helmet on. Mind you my car drove off the track, his didn't as it had oil pissing out and I am guessing the chassis was fucked. He and his girlfriend were pretty snotty about it, no apology and she was mouthing off until my friend who was normally very quiet and placid told her that she was going to get a good hiding if she didn't shut her fucking mouth. Plus other drivers had a go at them too. But what to do? The Cortina was okay to drive home but how to get it repaired? Luckily I had full comp insurance and let's just say that a few porkies were told about how the damage had occurred. The hit had been hard enough to have the B pillar jammed up against the front passenger seat yet the window, while splendidly bowed, never broke. So back on the road. A while later I asked Father Impala to drive my car to Woolwich so the Ford dealer could service it. When he came home in the evening he was in the shop's Escort van so I asked where my car was as I wanted to go out. Oh they haven't finished it. Okay. He then took my mum to work in the chippy and while he was gone the phone rang. I answered it and the chap asked to speak to Mr Impala. Which one said I, you have a choice of three. The one who hit my A60 up the back this morning. What was he driving said I. A Cortina said he. What, my Cortina that he's just told me hasn't had its service done today? I've dropped him in it haven't I said he? Yes said I. When Father Impala returned I told him that a chap had rung about the accident and he went very very pale. But not as pale as when Mother Impala ripped him a new arsehole. Oh and somehow the accident was my fault although I was some ten miles away at my desk in the City. I think I even had to pay for some of the damage he had inflicted on my car. Anyway a while later my head got turned by the aforementioned lurid green bubble arched Anglia so the Cortina, worthy but dull, had to go. Put ad in the local paper, chap came and had a look and bought it. I told him to put a Krooklok on it as they were easy to steal. Three weeks later he calls me to ask if I had cleared the loan. Told him yes and asked why? The car had been stolen because he hadn't taken my advice. Think it was never seen again. Final bit. Until very recently my younger brother was under the impression that I had been given the Cortina by our parents and had resented the fact that they never bought him a car, had to tell him that I had to pay for it.

[Warren t claim]

doing the lines (not that type Warren)

Even if as little as 50% of what you lot assume about me was true I'd either be dead or serving a long prison stretch.

[Scruffy Bodger]

The two tone car proved worthy and survived an awful lot of thrash, such a pity they rotted so badly, ime the drive trains were always strong.

One such trip out was a jolly to Blackpool with a mate from college, kipping in the car as we were skint. On getting back to the car in a massive car park we found some other cunt half in it rifling thru our stuff! My mate kicked the door on his leg which he them retracted, door then kicked too and now trapped this Herbert was very sorry. Turns out he had a key that fitted any old Ford, this was removed from his possession. We went thru his stuff and grabbed what he'd nabbed of ours. My mate then pulled the radio to show the cunt the money he'd missed.

We let him go on his way without any more repercussions. The most amusing thing for me was my mate acting all tough and aggressive when he's not like that at all. That and the fact he's a comic book nut and we'd been to the Pleasure Beach and his face was painted ip like Spiderman